The Narutard Files
by AnimeAlways8
Summary: Naruto and the gang are more retarded then ever. Neji's a mobster, Tenten's a hit man, Lee speaks only in figurative language, and Shino is the coolest guy ever. Lots of random violence and no real plot. PIEFIC! Like a crackfic, but pie instead of drugs.
1. Characters

**The Narutard Files**

**Hey. Welcome to my first retarded story. I already know that this story is going to be plotless, idiotic, and pointless. Fun. The idea is based off of a fantastic story called Don't Believe It by the great mooglebaku (read it). The only difference is that mine has less sex, yoai, yuri, and nude and more violence, randomness, ghosts, and just general beating the crap out of people. Yeah. So, here are those stupid characters.**

**Chapter 1: Characters**

Naruto: More retarded then ever. Hence the story name.

Sakura: Pretty much the same. Only difference is the author doesn't care if she lives or dies.

Sasuke: Training with (aka being molested by) Orochimaru. He should come in later.

Shikamaru: The coolest nerd ever. He has over 700 patents and he's still a teenager but he has a girlfriend 3 years older then him.

Temari: Shika's bossy girlfriend. She loves interior design and is the only person in the world who can mix old western, puke green, and tech all in the same room.

Neji: The leader of the biggest mob in Konoha. Only members know the mob's name, and if they try to tell it to someone they always end up dead. He's known as the sixth great kage, the Kagekage (shadow shadow).

Tenten: The most badass girl in the whole town. She's in the best hit man/woman in the mob. She originally joined because she loved Neji, but the mob life can easily strip love away.

Hinata: Quiet, polite, and hates violence. Neji is desperately trying to break her of her kindness because she's part of "the family". Nothing's worked yet.

Shino: The coolest guy ever. He has a pack of girls constantly around him and he knows the answer to everything.

Kiba: A wimp.

Ino: The town bitch.

Rock Lee: Widely thought to be gay, but not. He has a bad habit of talking only in figurative language (rhyming, alliteration, etc.). Turns into the hulk with even the slightest bit of alcohol.

Chouji: The poor, ugly fatty is just trying to find his place in the world.

Akamaru: Kiba's boss. He is also a main member of the mob and takes direct orders from Neji.

Gaara: The biggest emo-wannabe in the world. To be considered "emo" you must be accepted by the EMO (Emotional and Mad Organization), but in order to do that, you need to have cut at least once in your life. This is impossible for Gaara due to his sand shield. He is trying to find other ways into the organization.

Kankuro: He likes dolls. 'Nuff said.

Konohamaru: Commonly thought to be Naruto's shadow who repeats the last word of every sentence he says.

Third Hokage: He died. Now, he's a ghost going around helping (or trying to help) the living characters.

Akatsuki: A group of badass gay ninja. Individuals will be introduced later.

Pie: A tasty desert that is a favorite of ninja everywhere.

Gai: The weirdo with creepy eyes and green spandex. Likes to strike poses in people's personal space.

Kakashi: The coolest adult to ever exist, ever.

Orochimaru: Some kind of combination of snakes, Voldemort, and Michael Jackson.

Jiraiya: Pervert.

Tsunade: Always drinking. She's still the best medic nin the world could come up with.

**Yep, those are the basic characters in my crappy story. The next chapter should be out in a few days. Enjoy.**


	2. Ghost!

**Chapter 2: Ghost!**

It was a bright, sunny day in Konoha. All of the ninja were out wasting their poor, pathetic lives by doing menial tasks. Naruto was standing on a street corner shouting "Believe it!" at every person who walked by. Shikamaru was off inventing a can opener that could be used to open anything, such as cans, bottles, boxes, doors, drawers, windows, and even peoples heads (for medical and homicidal purposes, of course). Kiba was crying to himself about how his beloved pet, Akamaru, was so demanding and abusive toward him. Tsunade was off getting drunk somewhere. Jiraiya was doing, well, pervert things. But our interest will turn to the dark shadows of Konoha, the mob.

In the mob HQ the leader, the Kagekage (Neji) was innocently cleaning his 7 inch knife, which was covered in blood. Once he finished, he planned to rinse it with steaming water and antibiotic liquid. Neji liked to keep things clean. If he didn't clean up every so often, his office would filled with dead bodies, pizza boxes, and root beer bottles. After a while the pizza boxes would really start to smell.

Anyway, Neji never got around to sterilizing the knife. He begun to hear a low moaning.

"_Ohhhhhhhhhhhh………."_

Neji looked around, but saw nothing.

"_Ohhhhhhhhhhhh……."_

The moaning began to grow louder…..

"_OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH _cough _HHHHHHHHH _cough cough. Eh. That can't be good for my vocal chords………"

A figure began to take form before Neji's eyes. It was…… the honorable Third Hokage!

"Hey, got any water?" said the Third.

"Yeah, but 'cha can't have it."

"Why?"

"You're dead."

"Oh, well, god, you don't have to be so negative about it."

"What the hell are you doing in my office, old dude?"

"Are you Neji Hyuuga?"

"Yeah"

"The mob boss known as the Kagekage?"

"Yeah"

"Oh, well, the other Kages sent me here to tell you that you're a disgrace to Konoha and the Kages of the world; past, present, and future."

"That it?"

"Yep"

"Well, you got ten seconds to get the hell outta here before I blow you into microscopic pieces."

"You can't do that. I'm a freakin' ghost."

"Damn; I thought you'd forget. Why are you oldies buggin' me? What'd I do wrong?"

"You're a mob boss."

"So?"

"That's disgraceful."

"No it's not. Didn't you guys ever watch the Sopranos?"

"Oh yeah, great movie."

"Definitely. What's your favorite scene?"

"Oh, I like that part when……."

At this point in the dialogue, Tenten walked into the office. She had 2 cans of root beer stacked on top of 5 pizza boxes in one had and some dead guy in the other.

"Hey, I brought pizza and root beer. I had to kill the pizza guy to get it, though." said Tenten, laying the pizza boxes on Neji's desk. She looked around the room.

"Who the hell were you talking to?" she asked.

"The old ghost dude." said Neji, pointing in the Third's direction.

"I don't see him." said Tenten.

"She can't see me; I am here to haunt you, and only you!" said the Third.

"Shit" said Neji. "Why? Haven't we already established that mob bosses are fine?"

"Uhhhhh…….. well, I guess I'm just here for plot development or something."

"THIS STORY HAS NO PLOT!"

"Eh, I don't know. Can I have some root beer?"

"NO! YOU'RE A FREAKIN' GHOST! GET OUTTA HERE!"

"…….no"

"Urg…….. You're really starting to piss me off………"

Tenten, feeling utterly usless, said, "This is stupid. I'm gonna go beat up the first guy I see on the street with brown eyes. See ya Neji."

As Tenten walked out, the door shut very loudly.

"Can I have some root beer now?"

"………I'm gonna go call the Ghostbusters or something………."

**Yeah. That was pretty crappy, even by my standards. I forgot to give credit to bluegirl19 last chapter for beta reading……..thanks. Thanks to reviewers, too. I'm gonna go watch some Bleach. Ja ne (That's japenese for "See ya"……… I think……..)**


	3. Main Character Woes

**Chapter 3: Main Character Woes**

Well, it turns out that Neji didn't have the Ghostbusters in his phonebook. Neji, being the genius that he was, tried to think of a plan, but that bastard the Third wouldn't stop moaning, disrupting his concentration. Right when Neji was getting used to the moaning, and about to come up with a perfect idea…….

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was suddenly a pile of rubble in front of Neji's desk and a gaping hole in the ceiling.

"Well, I'd like to say some bad pun about your answer falling right out of the sky, but I believe that would just be annoying……" said the Third.

The pile of debris started to shake a little. Then, that retarded orange-clad ninja, Naruto, popped out of the pile.

"HOLY SHIT! What the hell are you doing here, Narutard?" asked Neji in complete and utter shock.

"Well, I was chasing an odd purple butterfly off a cliff, and then I landed here! Believe it!" said Naruto.

"Naruto, that's not physically possible. This place is in the middle of town. There aren't any cliffs within miles of here." said Neji.

"Oh, really? This kind of stuff always happens to me, believe it. Being the main character, I always appear wherever the conflict is, whether it's logically possible for me to be there or not, believe it."

"Wow; that sucks."

"Seriously"

"Yeah"

"Yep"

"Totally"

"Uh-huh"

-8 Hours Later-

"Of course"

"Sure"

"So we agree on whatever the hell we were discussing before?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Yes"

"Yep"

"Uh-huh"

"ARG! SHUT UP ALREADY! God, living people can be soooo annoying sometimes……." said the Third.

"Hey! You're the one who moaned for 3.4892 hours straight!" exclaimed Neji.

"Wow, you're really exact." said Naruto.

"Yeah, that's cuz I went to a private school called Rich Academy for the Rich and Extremely Rich."

"So, shouldn't you be living in some huge mansion making tons of money right now?"

"Well, I didn't really fit in so well. All of the people there were so snobby. I really wanted to strangle them, so I decided to get a job so I could."

"Did you?"

"Yep. I strangled every last one of them. Did you know that one girl made me dress up in a lion costume for her sixteenth birthday party?"

"That's harsh. Why?"

"It was going to be on My Super Sweet Sixteen."

"Arg, I hate that show!"

"Me too!"

"Yeah"

"Yep"

"Totally"

"Of course"

"SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU IF YOU KEEP GOING!"

"You can't; your hands aren't tangible enough to hold a gun." said Naruto.

"I don't think 'tangible enough' is grammatically correct." said Neji.

"Why should I listen to you?"

"Private school"

"Oh yeah."

"Hey! You can see the ghost too? I thought that was only me!"

"Nope. I'm the main character. I can defy all laws of nature."

"Cool. Why don't you ever use your super main character powers in battle?"

"I do! Believe it!"

"No, I mean when you really need to, but you don't."

"Uhhhhhhhh……. because I'm stupid?"

"I'll buy that. Can you get the next Harry Potter book before it comes out?"

"Well, I………"

Suddenly, the door burst open. Tenten walked in, dragging some guy by his pony tail in one hand and a box in the other.

"What are you doin'? I thought I said no living guys!" said Neji.

"Well, this one's trying to buy his life with whatever's in this box. I thought you might find this interesting."

Tenten put the box down on the desk. The guy with brown hair tried to look up, but Tenten just slammed his face to the floor, leaving a pool of blood.

"Aw, I just cleaned the floor." said Neji. He turned his interest to the box. It was emitting some kind of strange odor that Neji couldn't identify. It was warm and inviting. Neji slowly opened the box and carefully took out the contents. He laid it on the table. It was an odd thing. It was round with a flat top, about a foot in diameter. It was a darker-tan-brown color. There were a few small slits around the center. Around the outside on the top was a sort of crust that seemed harder then the rest. It was in an oddly shaped pan that curved up at the edges. Neji could distinctly label the smell now. It still had that odd element to it, but now he could smell blueberries as well. Neji, in his extreme fascination with this odd food, took a knife and sliced it into a triangular-ish piece. He held the piece in his hands. The inside was filled with blueberries. He slowly brought it towards his mouth……..

"JUST EAT IT ALREADY!!!!" screamed the Third, pushing Neji's hand foreword, causing him to eat the entire thing in one bite. Completely oblivious to the fact that the ghost just defied the laws of nature, Neji chewed this exciting new baked good. Everybody was staring at him as he swallowed. His eyes grew wide.

"MORE!!!!!!!!!"

**Yeah, that's it. Another crappy chapter. I actually wasn't planning to have this out for a few days, but since I have 11 reviews and over 600 hits in less then a week, I thought I should get this out earlier. Incase you didn't realize it, that baked good was pie (duh). I'm on spring break right now, so hopefully the next chapter will be out soon. I'm gonna go see if I have any blueberry pie lying around the house. Bye!**


	4. The Pie Man

**Chapter 4: The Pie Man**

_Last Time:_

"_JUST EAT IT ALREADY!!!!" screamed the Third, pushing Neji's hand foreword, causing him to eat the entire thing in one bite. Completely oblivious to the fact that the ghost just defied the laws of nature, Neji chewed this exciting new baked good. Everybody was staring at him as he swallowed. His eyes grew wide._

"_MORE!!!!!!!!!"_

Neji shoved the whole rest of the pie in his mouth. In one bite. And swallowed it with a loud "Gulp!" noise. The Third, Naruto, and Tenten all watched in horror. Now came the decision time.

"YOU!!!!" said Neji, staring at the man surrounded by the pool of blood. He walked over and lifted him by his shirt. He had brown hair, brown eyes, and a horizontal scar over his nose. Neji pulled his face just inches from his own face.

"Where did you get this?"

"I-I made it, sir."

"MADE IT?!?!?!?!?!"

"Y-Yes. Please don't kill me. I teach kids!"

Neji gave him a hard stare.

"Kids? Ha! I don't care about those damn kids! I just want some more of that delicious food! What do you call it?"

"Pie?"

"PIE!!!!!!"

"Yes, Neji-san."

"OH, OK! JUST CHECKING! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO NOW?"

"WHAT? PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

"EW! THAT'S GROSS! FIRST, I'M GONNA TURN OF THE CAPS LOCK! Now, what would you say to a large 1,000,000 square foot apartment complex and a job as my personal chef?"

"Um, I'll take it?"

"Great! Tenten, show him to his room."

"Can't I beat him up first?"

"Nope; I need him to make my damn pie! Now, leave."

"Fine"

Tenten grabbed the back of Iruka's shirt and dragged him out.

"AND CLEAN THE FLOOR WHEN YOU COME BACK!" screamed Neji once she was out the door.

"What were we fighting about before that interruption in the plot?" asked the Third.

"URG! FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME! THIS STORY HAS NO PLOT!" screamed Neji.

"Actually, it's only the third time it's been said in this story, and only the second time by you." said Naruto. The Third and Neji stared at him blankly. They went back and checked the story.

"Wow, the Narutard is actually right for once." said Neji. "I thought he was supposed to be more retarded in this story. He's really not that bad."

Oh, don't worry, he _will _get more retarded.

Neji considered this statement from thin air for a moment. If Naruto was going to get even more retarded, he didn't want to be around him when it happened. He had to get rid of Naruto, and fast.

"_Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………"_

That bastard the Third had to go too. Then, even through that horrible moaning, Neji came up with an idea. A smart idea. Not just a smart idea, a private school kid smart idea.

"Naruto, go around town and look for someone who can banish ghosts."

Hitting two annoying birds with one soon to be retarded stone. Actually, wasn't it hitting two birds with one of those birds? Eh, it was something like that.

"Why should I?"

Neji glared at Naruto. It wasn't just any glare; it was Neji's soon to be patented Super Ultra Nasty Neji Youthful Death Angry Youth Glare. (AKA the SUNNY DAY Glare. It was named by Rock Lee.) Here's a fun fact for you readers; this was actually Neji's most famous and most powerful attack. It was wayyyyyyyyy more effective then poking. Nobody could handle it.

Naruto quickly looked away.

"Good, now get the hell outta my office. You have ten hours before I send Tenten out to kill you. Bye." said Neji harshly. Naruto calmly walked out of the office and gently closed the door.

"Well, he took that rather well." said the Third.

"Three, two, one……" said Neji.

"AHHHHHHHH! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP CRAP CRAP!" screamed Naruto. His screams could be heard as he ran out of the building and off into the city, in search of someone, anyone, who could get rid of that damn ghost!

**Yay. That sucked. This was kind of a waste of a chapter. Next chapter will be freakin' sweet. The story is actually not going to focus on Neji for once! Yay! I can't think of any cool catch phrase………… Eh. I'll just go with this. (Insert original catch phrase here).**


	5. The Start of Something New

**Chapter 5: The Start of Something New**

Naruto ran like hell as far away from Neji's office as he could. He had to find somebody who could banish ghosts. He ran through the Konoha streets, but then suddenly stopped. He realized that he had no idea where to begin his search. He looked around. He was now in the middle of the town park. He sat down on the nearest bench. He was in deep thought about where to start.

"Hey, Narutard, you're drooling."

Naruto snapped out of his thinking to find that, indeed, he was drooling.

"Thanks, uhhhhhhh……"

Naruto looked at the man sitting next to him on the bench. He was wearing a big coat with a high collar and sunglasses. There were a pack of about seven girls around him.

"Shino. Don't you remember me?"

"Ummmmm…………………………. WAIT! Aren't you the guy that sells newspapers on 5th Street?" said Naruto excitedly.

"No"

"Oh, ok, whatever."

Naruto looked at the ground. He thought about asking Shino if he knew anybody who could banish ghosts. He looked up. There was suddenly a bright light on Shino, and a beautiful "Ahhhhhhhhhh" noise coming from somewhere. Eh, Shino probably had no idea. Naruto went back to deep thought.

"Ask Shikamaru."

"What?" said Naruto.

"Ask Shikamaru. He has an invention for everything." said Shino.

"Hmmmm…… Hey! That makes sense! How'd you know that I wanted someone to banish ghosts?"

"I just did."

"Um, ok, whatever. Thanks!"

Naruto jumped up from the park bench and ran off in the direction of Shikamaru's house.

* * *

In the eastern part of Konoha, the sun had already set. The moon and the stars were especially visible on this night. Sakura stood at her window and gazed at the sky. Like most teenage girls, all she could think about was her love life. Sakura considered herself to be screwed for life when it came to love. The only boy that she loved would never love her back, and she knew that. But Disney Channel had taught her to never give up, so she continued to desperately cling to the emo boy and hope with all of her heart. Because we all know how much stupid hope will get you in life. Anyway, it wasn't like he couldn't love. He loved himself. He loved the idea of killing his brother. And most of all, he loved himself. I mean, seriously. Just how much money do you think he spends on hair-jell each month? All I can tell you is that it's over 500 dollars, fo sho….. 

Erm, sorry. Anyway, Sakura hoped that one day, her Sasuke-kun would love her back. You may wonder why Sakura didn't consider her other options. I mean, she has two guys who were madly in love with her. But, of course, there is the Super Bitch Factor (SBF). Sakura had a very high SBF, so she could only see people on the surface (AKA she judges by appearance). To her, the two losers drooling over here were the orange retard and the caterpillar face. Ew. Grody!

Sakura saw a shooting star go by. She closed her eyes.

'_Oh, Shooting Star." _thought Sakura _"I wish that the boy of my dreams would fall in love with me. I want the boy that's sensitive and kind to all life. The one who would love me endlessly and who would truly care for me."_

Yeah. _That_ sure sounds like Sasuke. Kind, sensitive, loving……. She really nailed the ways of the emo well.

She sat and stared at the sky for ten minutes, expecting the love of her life to ride up on a white stallion and whisk her away to happiness. Nothing happened.

'_Hm, maybe if I wait a little longer…..'_ Sakura thought. She picked up her copy of A Million Ways to Seem Smart When You Aren't and begun to read it. About five minutes later, she heard a noise. It sounded kind of like…… galloping? A horse!

Sakura looked out the window. She saw a figure approaching her. The figure was riding on something white. Finally!

"Sasuke-kun……." she said to herself, gazing longingly out the window. As he got closer, she could see more things about him. She could see his dark hair and his black eyes. His white stallion looked a little, er, stocky. And kind of small for a horse. Oh well. It was close enough. Maybe one of Orochimaru's inventions or something.

Another sound became apparent to her. It was a sweet, melodic sound. He was singing!

"_Living in my own world_

_Didn't understand_

_That anything can happen_

_When you take a chance…"_

Sakura leaned foreward, sticking her head out the window. She began to sing in a beautiful voice that she didn't even recognize.

"_I never believed in_

_What I couldn't see_

_I never opened my heart_

_To all the possibilities"_

Sakura leaned even farther out her window, trying to get closer to her lover as he approached. He began to sing, too……..

"_Oh!_

_I know_

_That something has changed_

_Never felt this way_

_And right here tonight_

_This could be the start_

_Of something new_

_It feels so right_

_To be here with you_

_Oh_

_And now looking in your eyes…"_

Sakura continued to lean farther…..

"_I feel in my heart_

_The start of something new……_

AHHHHHHH!"

Sakura had leaned so far out that she fell out the window. As she fell, she thought what might be her final thoughts….

'_GASP! I'm falling! Oh dear! Well, at least nothing bad can happen to me. Sasuke-kun will catch me right before I hit the ground! That's the way it always goes in these…."_

**BAM!**

Sakura made contact with the ground. Hard. She was barely conscious, and somehow her right foot had ended up next to her left ear.

"My love!"

The boy reached her about ten seconds after she hit the ground. Just a little too late, pal.

"Oh, my dearest Sakura! Are you hurt?" he said, kneeling next to her.

"I was, but I'll be fine now that you're here." said Sakura. She wanted to say something like "Duh, you retard. I just fell out of a five story window! I think I broke about ten ribs, but I think the injuries are only minor." But, alas, that just didn't seem like the right thing to say to her lover.

"Kiss me, my dear!"

He picked up Sakura's head, moved her foot away from it, and brought it closer to his face. They were just inches apart when……..

"AHHHHHHH!"

**GASP! Ah, cliffhangers. Gotta love 'em. I was going to make this chapter a lot longer, but I didn't want it to be too much longer then the others. So I decided a cliffhanger was in order.**

**Yeah, I know I haven't written anything in a while. I got caught up in school, then I went to the beach last week. So sue me.  
**

**Well, all of this love crap will make more sense next chapter. Let me just say that this isn't what it seems…… ; ) **


End file.
